>Last night I missed most of Saturday Night Live. I managed to catch the last couple of skits and the second performance by My Chemical Romance. I had heard them a few times but never really thought much about them, but for some reason I knew they were on and was interested in seeing them perform.
The song was a partially acoustical number, building to the end. The lead singer, who could have been Billy Corigan’s twin, caught me with what appeared to be some deep intensity. I listened until some of the lyrics caught my ear. Then I wished I had fallen asleep early.
This song as been haunting me, and has brought a ton of repressed feelings out to the forefront. I have been trying to keep the lid on my emotions about a lot of things, my Mom included, only opening the lid for a few minutes until it overcomes me and I close the lid again. Kind of like smelling ammonia: you can only do it for so long before it overcomes you.
Between Mom and some other personal problems, I have had a hard last few months. I can usually keep a handle on it, but since last night I have been a basket case. I know it will get better.
Actually, I am glad I heard the song. It has helped put some feelings into words, and made me realize others feel as badly as I do. I still catch myself wanting to call her, but she isn’t there to call. I have never felt alone in all this, but I have been afraid to let my guard down. This has helped some. Maybe it will help you too.
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt marieHelp her gather all my things
And bury me In all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still, I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.
Now turn away,
Cause I’m awful just to see
Cause all my hair’s abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I’m just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go. I
t just ain’t living
And I just hope you know,
That if you say, Good-bye today,
I’d ask you to be true,
Cause the hardest part of this, I
s leaving you…
Cause the hardest part of death,
Is leaving you…
1. Mitchel – October 23, 2006
I plan on writing something shortly, I just can’t put it together at the moment.
2. Mitchel – October 23, 2006
It’s been a weird past few months. Just when you kind of think you can deal with it, it creeps in on ya and makes you think about the whole thing again. The things that really stand out in my mind a lot of the times, besides the fact that we will never talk face to face with her again, is when we were woken up at whatever time it was and then our goodbye at the funeral home. This last year was such a roller coaster ride for both of us for some of the same reasons and for some different reasons, we should be proud that we made it out with most of our sanity in tact. Every happy moment was met with a bit of hesitation or dose of reality leading up to mom’s death. No matter how much fun I might have had at a concert or with something Kaytlin did, there was always that thought of mom and her cancer.
But now we must move forward like mom would want us to. Never forget just keep her with us and move forward. I also want to keep the relationship with you and your family that was reborn out of this situation moving in the direction it is. I think that would make mom happy and it would continue to fill a void that was left with her death.
Alright, I’d better get back to work.